Treatment Continues, Hoping and Praying this Regimen Lasts Longer

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Daily I take Xeloda and oral chemo agent.  I take it twice a day morning and night for two weeks and have one week off.  Just six pills a day are helping me fight my breast cancer; my only hope is its strong enough to last longer than a few months.  It seems to be the pattern for previous treatments I have had, a few months of treatment are working, then it is time to change course.    It was my hope that having the surgery would further expand my treatment options; although a difficult decision I felt hopeful the long-term benefits were worth it.  I can’t explain how I felt, the disappointment, frustration and sadness when the first treatment post op failed, and I had to change course again.  It was another setback, another time when I would have to start over and wait the three long months needed to see if the new treatment was working. I have said it before but it is a gamble when deciding the best course of action, there is no guarantee after all, no idea what will work or for how long. 

The decisions weigh heavily on my mind, I never in a million years thought I would be deciding what medications I would need to be taking to help fight MBC, nor did I think I would have gone through as many different treatment regimens as I have at this point.  Every day I take the medications as I am supposed to and pray they are preventing my cancer from spreading.  The side effects I deal with knowing that the benefits far exceed them.  I can deal with the pain, the nausea, and tackle every day the anxiety and worry, constantly wondering if I am on the right treatment course.  At times it is difficult to adjust to my new normal, I often dream about what I wanted my normal to be outside of MBC.  MBC has shown me many positive things oddly enough, I had no idea I had the strength to fight, my strength tested daily both mentally and physically.  MBC has taught me so many things; I am stronger now than I have ever been and more determined.  I am not willing to accept just my diagnosis as it is, or the treatment plans that are the norm; I continue to educate myself, ask questions and challenge myself and my care team to seek the absolute best plans of attacking my MBC.  It is in fact a marathon; I have learned to be more patient, although I still fight everyday to do so.  As my doctor tells me frequently fighting MBC is a marathon not a sprint, I am use to sprinting, but I have a lifetime of battling MBC ahead of me so I focus daily on managing the things I can control, the emotional roller coaster and focus on staying physically healthy. 

Each month I wait anxiously to see if the treatment is working, constantly running worse case scenarios over and over in my head; and prepping myself for bad news.  I am not sure when the scan anxiety goes away, I am not convinced it ever does; nor does the stress of waiting for tumor marker results.  Every new ache or pain is accompanied by worry, worry that my cancer has spread.  How do I really even know, and how do I not worry? There are aspects of living with MBC that I simply cannot control; I continue to strive for good health and  maintain hope that MBC will become a chronic illness, not a diagnosis with an expiration date. 

Moore Fight Moore Strong!!

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