Moving on and Staying Positive

The inevitable “48 hours of holding my breath” recently passed, and we have moved onto a new treatment.  I had a feeling that things would need to change, a hunch but prayed I was wrong this time.  The recent rise in my tumor marker and the ongoing pain increase was telling me something was going on with the cancer in my body.  Another hurdle that I need to overcome in this marathon I’m in.   As with any bad news anyone receives I wanted to just run and hide, maybe if I did it wouldn’t be happening or just go away all together.  I was feeling defeated again by MBC, another change in treatment, in looking back it seems like my average for an effective treatment is near the 8 month mark, and for once I am just praying for any treatment option to work longer; a change in treatment is always stressful.  Frustrating quite honestly, I feel anxious and angry about the change; constantly worrying if this will work , or if there will be something new that will show up on my next scans.  I am sad and disappointed when I have to share anything but good news as well, the sadness and frustration I also see weighs heavily on Matt.  We feel discouraged and distraught,  with every hurdle we both become concerned if the next treatment will work, or is it the best option.  We have complete faith in my care team, but there is always a question if we are making the right choice.

Faced with yet another change in my treatment course and feeling discouraged I wanted to just head home, curl up and sleep, turn my mind off.  I am positive and try to maintain that attitude but there are times when it seems impossible, maybe that’s not the right way to think but some days it is just too much.  Living with MBC has made me stronger than I thought I could ever be , but there are days that the fight seems impossible at times.  For a few minutes I pondered just doing that, heading home and curling up and just crying and just maybe my mind would stop spinning.  I was feeling defeated, MBC was winning; I am not willing to let that happen and despite feeling sad, angry and depressed I wanted to not let this hurdle throw me off course, nor did I want MBC to control my thoughts; if there is one thing I can control it is how I choose to fight back.  After the initial stages of feeling angry and sad I wanted to do something for both Matt and I, a way to bounce back and continue to show strength while being positive and hopeful.  Something neither of us have done, and give us the chance to burn off the anger and disappointment we felt.  We decided to visit a ropes course and go zip lining something neither of us had done.  Something that we would love and also be able to distract our minds even for a short period.  It was a great way to clear my mind and regain my positive focus.

Moore Fight Moore Strong!!

One thought on “Moving on and Staying Positive

  1. What a powerful description of the cycle of treatments with metastatic breast cancer. You are a force for good, clearly, yet its so important to feel what you feel, even when its anger, fear, avoidance, or shock. I guess I am saying, don’t apologize for the rage you feel at times. This is one hell of a ride. Big hugs from Maine.

    Liked by 1 person

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