Patience…”the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.”
Since I was diagnosed I have learned to be patient, yes it’s hard and I wish things happened faster than they do. I struggle every month when I wait for labs, or every three months when I have scans or when I am changing treatments. I find it difficult to be patient when I am faced with a change or the potential of medications not working. Simply, it’s frustrating, causes increased stress and worry. Often I hear from my doctor that I need to be patient, give it time, but it is more frustrating than I can even put into words. Yes I know they’re right, and I have full confidence in my team of doctors, but when it’s a matter of my well-being I have a hard time.
I was talking to my doctor at my last visit voicing my frustration and concern, and I just said to her I want a break, I want a treatment that will work for longer than eight months, which seems to be the average of the last few I have tried. I need a break, I want to go a few months without the increased worrying of my tumor marker going up, or new pains that may mean cancer has spread. I live with pain every day, I do my absolute best to not let it interfere with my life, but there are some days I just want to throw in the towel and curl up in bed. For the most part I listen to my body, Matt may say otherwise but it is crucial for me to take care of myself before anything else. And yes I push myself at times but I always have, so that is something that is hard to change. I continue to find balance and work hard to do so both mentally and physically, letting go of the things I can’t control. I have always been determined and continue to live that way, despite what the side effects of rigorous treatments I may face quitting is just not an option.
I continue to learn to have patience with every step; remain hopeful and positive with every hurdle I face, there are simply days when giving up seems to be the easier option, but in truth it simply is not an option for me, never has been nor will I ever stop fighting. Living with cancer has made me stronger in many ways. I strive to control the aspects of my life cancer just simply can not.
Living with MBC is not just the physical toll it takes on my body, and for me I would consider myself physically healthy despite cancer. But MBC is more than that, there is a psychological piece that is not always easy for people to understand. Certainly many live with the normal fears and worries of life, I know I certainly did and still do every day. I do not think that it is uncommon or abnormal, on some level we all worry we are human and we care about ourselves, our families and friends we love; and their wellbeing. Since diagnosis for me personally those fears have been amplified, the fear of not being here for family and friends weighs heavily, whether it’s for the little things or the big things in life we all face. The fear of not living the life I imagined. However I can’t let fear keep me from enjoying the moments of every day life. And living with feeling of fear and anxiety is helping me fight. I battle every day to not let the fear and worry, the stress of living with MBC take away from living in the moment. It’s not always easy, but taking care of my psychological well being plays a vital role in continue to live with MBC. Mind and body balance are crucial to keep me as a strong as I need to be to fight. I’m learning that even when I may feel my weakest that’s just ok too. Continuing to learn to find balance and manage the stress and worry of living with MBC will help strengthen my ability to continue to fight and enjoy life. It’s not just finding balance because of MBC but finding balance is just as important for anyone. Our minds are powerful and without doubt a balance within our minds is just as important as remaining physically healthy.
As part of thriving and surviving with MBC I continue to work to find balance mentally and physically; there may be physical aspects of my fight I cannot control but a healthy mind will help fuel my fight. I’m learning to continue to be patient despite frustrations, and continue to believe in my team of doctors who undoubtedly are some of the best in my opinion. So I continue to be patient, trust, let go of what I can’t control and find the balance I need to keep thriving and surviving.
Moore Fight Moore Strong!!