There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about cancer, and to be honest it’s more like there isn’t a minute that goes by that I don’t think about it. Living with cancer effects everything, every aspect of my life. Metastatic Breast Cancer lurks in the back of my mind all day long, rearing its head at any given time. It is my reality, some days I get so busy I’m hoping to forget about it, just maybe the busier I am the less there is to think about it. The last month has been exhausting to say the least, living in fear that my current treatment may not be as effective as we would like it to be. It’s emotionally exhausting, living with uncertainty is a constant. Several trips to the doctors, both locally and in Boston, blood work and upcoming scans, none of that bothers me, its part of my new normal and if that is what I need to do I’ll do it every day if I need to. But it is exhausting for anyone, some days I find myself wondering how life would be without cancer.
I fight everyday to stay positive, things are not always how they seem. I am blessed to have unwavering support from family and friends that fight every step of the way with me. They are a reminder to me why I keep fighting, why quitting is simply not an option for me. Thank you to all of you for the regular conversations that do not always involve talking about cancer, thanks for the normalcy, I often know it’s hard to do, because living with MBC is not easy. Is it discouraging? Absolutely, and overwhelming; there are so many aspects of treatment to think about, and so many things to take into consideration at every step, quality of life being the most important. There isn’t anything I won’t do, so if chemotherapy is the next best option then that’s what I will do; I will do the best treatment option they have to offer, and figure out how to live with it when I need to. Attitude is everything, I will stay positive, have my moments of weakness, but quickly return to a positive mind and hope that everything falls into place.
To most people I see they tell me I look great, to some that don’t know, one would never know I am living with MBC. I am physically strong, I live with pain daily but that doesn’t stop me. Pain is MBC rearing its ugly head, whether I’m on my feet all day at work or working out there is always a constant reminder I’m living with It. But it is important to me to be strong, I try every day not to let my diagnosis beat me down, but rather allow it to strengthen me. I am not the same person I use to be, cancer has changed me. Not many know but there are simply some days when I would rather curl up in bed and stay there, but to me that would be letting cancer get the best of me, cancer would be winning.
One can imagine the frustration I have with trying “wait and see” if just maybe my current treatment is working. I smile, and live each day positively, yes of course there are some moments of weakness but I continue to remain hopeful, never quitting the fight. When Cancer decided to invade my life, I had to make a choice, I still make choices every day, but I chose to embrace my diagnosis, fight with everything I have and plan to never stop. I vowed that cancer would not control the parts of my life I can. With the uncertainty of the last month I keep fighting, and continue to believe that every thing does happen for a reason, whether it is fair or not.
I have faith in my care team, thankfully their amazing and can guide me in the best next steps, and there are plenty of options, its just a matter of figuring out what is best right now. Again, as I am reminded by my oncologist, this is a “marathon not a sprint” and for someone who prefers to sprint you can understand the anger and frustration I have at times. Often feeling discouraged, just hoping and praying I can catch a break, a treatment regimen that lasts years would be great. I can live with the pain, and some of the other things that come with my “new normal” but I want to live!
So we wait, we wait for the next scans, the next test results, praying for no changes and the best possible results; we wait for the blood work to continue to be stable and hope that just maybe my current treatment is doing what it is suppose to. I will continue to live, stay positive, enjoy life and continue to raise awareness with the love and support of the MFMS Army!
Moore Fight Moore Strong!!